After the suicide-death of my love, I had been fighting for weeks against my own suicidal thoughts, because I felt so guilty, being not good enough to help, being not there in those hours...
Since the parents have carried out an anonymous funeral at a secret place, I could never say goodbye.
Swirls from depression grew, becoming stronger. It bore me day-by-day into a deeper identity crisis.
Increasingly, I started to question everything - especially: my own life in itself. Can I go on? Du I want that it will go on or will it be better to end it?
There was a point in my life in which I couldn´t handle it any more. I ultimately had no more energy to move on. In these last hours before I took the pills, I just cried. Than I did what I did (Video). I addressed these words skyward: If you or whomever or the universe have still some special plans for me, you can save me - otherwise kiss my ass and let me die.
From this moment I spent the remaining time by biding my time, lying in bed and listening to music on headphones.
When my circulation crashed, I just thought: "Wow, now it’s over.". That was the last conscious thought.
24 hours later , I awoke in hospital, fixed to a sickbed, with many hoses and cables protruding in and out of my body.
That was on 28 December 2014.
Although I had chosen a time, all important caregivers, family and friends were on holiday or on the way into, I was found by a friend. He was on his way to spend holidays, too. Somehow, he could feel that something was wrong. He turned around despite, the tantrums of his partner, and found me. He saved me literally at the last moment, as the doctors later told me.
Months later, he told me again and again that he would have never be able to go on with his life if i died that day.
And what did he do? He Refused every treatment of his own depression and killed himself ... of course, without asking if I can live with this, or not.
Anyway, I tried in the past months to imagine and to make clear what would become of me, who I am, where I am going and if I want to go anywhere. I have found no answers, only more and more questions and a growing mess. Often, I wanted to escape from that forever. But I felt something big will happen. This also terrorized me.
I found a bit of peace when I started to paint - which is difficult, if you can not paint, have never done it before, and if you desperately follow YouTube tutorials and the result is so poor.
Go and plant trees! ..... are you mad?
"Trees! Planting trees" it raged through every course of my
cerebral convolutions, when I took a shower to wake up.
"... .. What? Are you mad? What a shitty idea.
Did you lose your universe-mind?" I asked loudly and
"Did not you telling me that once you're in retirement
you would love to encircle the globe? Planting trees!"
.... This is not a joke, as if someone had made telepathic
contact with me and it was not coming from a wishing well.
"What now? With what? I have no money. What the fuck.... ?
You are crazy! Go away!" demanded I almost quarrelsome
Suddenly another thought: "Let me help you" and
"way of life" and both has not left me the entire day.
In the afternoon, it manifested itself more and more:
"let me help you" and I felt the compulsion to start writing.
So, I gave my students (I teach and I am a lecturer in
companies) an object, sat down at the computer and it
burst formally out of me.
No thought I had was likely to come to pass, no plan which I followed ... nothing. Only the first thought of mine was:I do not know yet what this site is supposed to be, why I am writing this, what it has to do with my situation and what the fuck I am doing here..... ... "
Uuuhm, why actually a site? Which site?
I still write like hell.. I do not think about it - it just flows from my fingers, not even from my brain. No dedicated plan,
nothing of what I have prepared for months. I'm bursting out and in these moments I am always aware of one sentence:
Truth or lie? The truth always feels easier or light ...... ..
It may sound corny, maybe even insane, but it feels light, feathery light and absolutely righ.
What do you think why I am doing this?
I'm so excited and have to get up again and again, just to run around my desk and asking: Are you serious?
And the more I ask, the easier it will be, the lighter it feels.
Somehow, it begins cheerfully laughing and calling louder and louder inside me: yes ... ..
Something tells me: This is your way, made -only for you - it has everything you ever wanted in life.
Do not worry - you can do it - do not worry, we shall set it up straight...
Do not worry, you will not be lonely, and you will not die alone in a corner.
Do not worry, you will find love again.
Here I sit and stare at the 6 pages that I have just written down and my heart beats loud and wild, my brain rotates in a circle and shouting "Go now" and my gut says: Yes .... do it!
Above on this site you will find all the social networks I am in. It will be a major help if you connect with me in those networks.
I will use them to document my walk around the world. On youtube you will find weekly video documentations. On flicker I will do the daily photo documentary. The best pic of the day you will find on instagram and much more. Where I will write about the adventures is not sure yet.
If you don´t have any of those, order my newsletter and you will be informed to.
Please help with your friendship and sharings.
Thank you so much.
In any case, crazy enough to devote my life to a task that has become much more important to me than my home, my scooter and my garden. It is my life task, because a suicide kills us all in one way or another.