Not one of my friends has any tiny little imagination what happend in those two hours before i did it - doing the final step to end my life. Many of them responded with: you are so silly. Some vanished from one second to the other because they thought I am a stupid man - after more than 20 years of friendship, vanishing in the darkest moment of my life, because I was scratching their nerves, being to negative for their lifes.
I am terrible angry about the suicide of my partner, two years later. I will hate him for the rest of my life for doing that to us. I hate him, that he never tried to do anything against his thoughts, since he was 16 years old. I hate him that he was not believing to me or to the doctors or some other people, for the entire 24 months we knew us. But I also know, that at a certain point it was to late for him to act. He had no choice. Even if my broken heart is telling all the fucking time: you had the choice to wait until I am back. But deep in my heart I know: he had now choice as I had no choice. The choice was there, years before but he and anybody around missed it. And all of those who were involved in his life, like all of those who are involved in my life, thinks we had a choice or we were pushed. We are assholes because we ruin their lifes and parties with our stupid problems and this fucking killing ourselves, just to get a bit of attention .......
It´s hard to see that most of you guys believing happy people who never struggeld in life, instead to listen to those who made every step, until the last thought they could do, before they lost their concious. Why most of you would never accept a music teacher who can´t sing or who can´t play a piano? But why most of you feeling very compfortable with somebody at the beer table telling you: He was always strange and sad but he had a choice not to do it. It was his desicion, let him go. Life must go on. Others are telling: And of course he was not a weak person, he is a hero. It takes a lot of courage to take his own life. He did this step and he could stop every single second but he took it like a man, he made a desicison, he planed it..... so let him go. We are here, let´s party.
Bullshit & stick it in your ass; i will freak out if I read it one more time on instagram or twitter or if I must hear it from somebody and of course I told the same five years ago, 10 years ago, all my life. ..........
Please imagine you are in a theater and you are an actor and imagine for some minutes the possibility being on stage, please go into this perspective, that you - your role, don´t have a choice because at a certain point it will be done to you. You think you have a choice and you are sitting their on the table, playing your role, with the tools to do it. And than it turns out that you are not on stage, you are really sitting here. And you you think: what the fucking hell I am doing here, Stop the bullshit, call your friend, you did it once. And than you notice you are really not an actor. But you find out that you are a Marionette with threads on arms and legs. You sit their and you are crying and in your head are two thoughts: It can´t be true what happens it this moment. The other thought is: Please make that it stops. I can´t any more, I don´t have the energy. I cannot go again through this bullshit. year after year, relationship after relationship, no sunbeam since years. Please isn´t their a chance... please ... but you become weak from minute to minute and your arms and your legs are pushed to movings you don´t want to but you have to. You want to stop what happens in this second, because their is the little hope for a miracle but you are a real guy, not silly. There is no miracle, no angle, no nothing. You are crying, you don´t feel all the shit running out of your nose and eyes ... it goes on for more than two ours in my case. But you can´t stop it any more and every cell is screaming. Please i can´t any more, finish it somehow but i can´t any more.........And than it´s done and there was no chance to stop it and in this last second when you know that the point of return is gone you are reliefed that the pain will be over now, soon, whenever and than it´s done - done in the most lonley moment you never can imagine ...... Done because you never believed that it could happen, done because everybody is telling you: come on and get real, it´s not that terrible....
imagine you had no choice. You can´t? I couldn´t too ... unitl this 28th of december 2014. ..... there is a reason why I do what I will do with Footpath of Life. Please open your eyes for your friends and loved ones, because there are signs .... long long long time before and not many, but some of us knows. But YOU have a choice: Believe them or not. Lucky you, you have a choice, every fucking second you have a choice.
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I will use them to document my walk around the world. On youtube you will find weekly video documentations. On flicker I will do the daily photo documentary. The best pic of the day you will find on instagram and much more. Where I will write about the adventures is not sure yet.
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Thank you so much.
In any case, crazy enough to devote my life to a task that has become much more important to me than my home, my scooter and my garden. It is my life task, because a suicide kills us all in one way or another.