Even if I am so exited and in a working-day-and-night modus to finish the website www.footpath-of-life.com I still can´t shut down all the memories and those heart breaking feelings. Today is again one of those days I have so many of them. I see my love leaving me, walking down the stairs and the last what I said was: „Don´t do something stupid and give us the time to think about our future. I love you but we need a breath and let us talk on Monday if I am back. My fear about you is to big, if you are not willing to do a treatment. I need you, I love you but we can´t go on like this.“
This was Thursday morning before Eastern 2016, one hour later I left for work 3 days later the terror of the suicide i fear for more than 16 months, hit me with the most terrible energy i ever could imagine. One dead, one on the way to do the same.
But I am still alive. Why? Not because I wanted to, because my friends were with me day and night, for weeks. Because my therapists were talking to me, sometimes twice a day, for weeks. Because if I will kill myself too, I will be the third who is going and it will be the third time that so many people were fightig for somebody, who don´t or could´t, at the very end, care about. What would it do to the people who loves me?
What the suicide has done to me? Screeming, crying for days and nights. I can feel the thoughts of the brothers, sisters, the daughter and parents who are looking for someone they can blame. I feel their thoughts like wappons. „Why you left? Why you said you can´t go on like that? Why you have been so selfish? You are the devil. Why you never told us? And and and…… Each word I can feel and hear. Yes and sometimes I am asking myself too. Why?
The answer is simple: It was the last possibility for me to help. To make clear how bad the depression already is, to make a last time clear: You will end like your mother, who did two times a suicide try. Like your grandfather. You will end up like me once and you kick my ass, whenever I want to help you. You expecting me to be here for you. I am – since 16 month in terrible fear and the biggest love I ever felt in my life. You are killing me with your selfish behaviour. You are killing me with the blaming you do to me, instead bleaming your ex boyfriends who are responsible for all what happens. I have never done anything evil to you but you are not able to trust anybody any more. Hurting the one you love will protect yourself. This was your sick thinking. But I have seen what is deep in your heart. I have seen what is behind the pain oft he past. And I have seen the light of your laughing in the moments you were free, you felt good…… those less hours during 16 terrible dark months.
I loved you, and I still love you. I still miss every second with you – even if I hate you for doing something like that to me. You killed a part of me. You are such a selfish murderer of my happyness, my future, my belive into love and humans, my ability to open ever up again in my life, the ability and the wish to love again. You have taken everything away, you hurted me, your parents, your daughter, your brother and sister in a way you can´t imagine. Their death wishes they sent to me now every day are nothing compared what you did and I wished I could hurt you in a way you would scream for centuries. But I love you, I still do, I miss you, I need you, I don´t understand, I wish so much that at least you found peace, I forgive you – even if I can´t forgive you, even if I will never ever forgive myself. Why did I left, why I thought it will help you, if you will see that you possible loose me. Why? ….. why?
In any case, crazy enough to devote my life to a task that has become much more important to me than my home, my scooter and my garden. It is my life task, because a suicide kills us all in one way or another.
Above on this site you will find all the social networks I am in. It will be a major help if you connect with me in those networks.
I will use them to document my walk around the world. On youtube you will find weekly video documentations. On flicker I will do the daily photo documentary. The best pic of the day you will find on instagram and much more. Where I will write about the adventures is not sure yet.
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Please help with your friendship and sharings.
Thank you so much.