Since I am out with the project many people asking:
Why you are doing this, next to the sad experiences you made after your loss?
Before nobody asked, I have to admit, that I was not thinking about this subject. But now, more and more hours I am spending with the subject “what else”. It is really an important question, as my shrink will ask me this too, later this afternoon. So it might be good to have an answer before he will lock myself away for “security reasons”. But I have answers….
One reason is my deepest fear and the most terrible picture I have from the situation, when my love decided to commit suicide: Being alone, doesn´t matter where, if I am close to death and passing away. Having nobody who holds my hand, nobody who will give me the strength to let go, nobody who will be sad, that I am leaving (well this is a good point, but I think you know what I mean. Nobody is there who shared the years with you, loving you…). Even while writing this, I have again pictures in my mind and I start feeling so terrible and of course guilty again. And the second pictures I see, showing me, somewhere in the wild, suffering from thirst and starvation, begging for help, begging the universe to send anybody. Maybe some of those who ended their life, wished in the last minutes that somebody will find them, turning their life into something better. Maybe he did too, maybe not L
Some might think, that such thoughts are crazy and useless. You are right, they are. But they are here. Maybe they are based on experiences I made in another life. Once, many years ago, I made a TV documentary about reincarnation theory and I did one session. It was very strange because it showed some situations I am still dealing with. Looked like I never found the key for a solution and have to go through it again and again. But anyway….. one picture and the last picture of this session was the moment of my death. I saw myself sitting in front of a fire, deep in a forest, bitten by a poison snake. That´s it …. And I have this fear for all my life: being alone when passing away. That I don´t have a own family, that I will never have children, who are taking care of me or that I don´t have a partner, who will share my life with me, is not helpful in this case or with this fear.
In the last months I was fighting against so many hard things, that I decided to make a better world – my better world – for me. I was facing a loss and feeling guilty, even with knowing I am not. I was facing the heartless behavior of so called friends, who remind in silence and not asking, if they can help or a simple “how are you”? I met a psycho pain structure, I had no idea it´s existing. I was asking myself every day: How to go on? Does anything make sense? Why it will be never again the way it has been. Will I ever be happy again? What can I do? And so on.
The answer for this was not Footpath of Life. But now after thinking about all those topics, because I am asked so often about, I believe that next to the task it was given to me, it is the answer to find peace and joy. But before I will find this, I must face my deepest fears, I must recognize that my will to survive, will be stronger than anything else. I think I need sort of a danger and a unknown future to feel life. To feel how beautiful life will be and to become aware that there is nothing I have to fear, because even death in the wilderness can be good – somehow. I need to believe in myself again and again and way stronger than in the past.
Somehow I am so sure, that all my depressions and all the symptoms I was suffering from the last 3 years, will be gone, if am on my path. And the decision and the coming out with Footpath of Life, already created a freedom I can´t describe. And it started with little details of my daily life: For twenty month? Why I should buy a new shirt? Why I should buy the dish washer? Why I should pay the gym? I will do what I can do best, even with not knowing – just guessing, what this can be. I am sure that this present life, made me sick – because it is, since a long time, not me anymore. The pressure to be what others expecting, the need of collaborating every second of my life and the fear of losing again somebody I love, are way too powerful and destroying me, everyday more.
But the fear is also the key for something great. Greater beyond the unknown freedom I will feel, while facing the fear and taking a decicion: Accepting whatever comes along as something different. Not good not bad, not right and wrong. But whatever comes, will change the the world – my world. So whatever I do, will change this world too. So I am ready to say yes to take the freedom and changing my perspective and to let come out – what I didn´t know so far about me.
In any case, crazy enough to devote my life to a task that has become much more important to me than my home, my scooter and my garden. It is my life task, because a suicide kills us all in one way or another.
Above on this site you will find all the social networks I am in. It will be a major help if you connect with me in those networks.
I will use them to document my walk around the world. On youtube you will find weekly video documentations. On flicker I will do the daily photo documentary. The best pic of the day you will find on instagram and much more. Where I will write about the adventures is not sure yet.
If you don´t have any of those, order my newsletter and you will be informed to.
Please help with your friendship and sharings.
Thank you so much.