Now it's only a few days and then I'll be 50.
Wow, there was not much missing and I would not have experienced this moment in my life. Nor would I have imagined in the worst dream, with what harshness, viciousness, injustice, my life in the past 12 months would confronted. I could not imagine that I will lose the greatest struggle, out and about love, and death will become my constant companion and with what indifference, hatred, and contempt people deal with it. I could not have pictured myself in the darkest colors, how relentlessly the horror, the pain, and the disappointment will eradicate every joy or life-pleasure. If someone had told me years ago that days will come when I will give up and try to put an end to my life, I would have laughed at him and declared him for mental illness. I also could not imagine that "friends" will leave me in the darkest time of life, or strangers will catch me and be by my side day and night - just like that. I had no idea what emotional coldness people are capable of because they are not willing to look at all perspectives and learn from disasters. And, of course, I would never have thought about getting hundreds of messages from people around the world who feel what I feel, who give me courage and creat a project that breaks even my own imagination.
It goes so much through my head and the most diverse feelings hunt through my body. I grope in them and look for moments that are beautiful, that could make me laugh. They exist. But they are memories that are dived in the dark. They do not want to come to the surface. I wonder again and again what I should learn in life? I am certainly not a very good man and I have mistakes and I am not a simple “bone”. But I was always there - 100% and you did not have to call me. I may have done some wrong, but I have never done anything bad - not once. But that does not seem to count. It is not important anymore, because the last 50 years are almost done and somehow nothing count, especially not what was by the times. What has been, is a shadow of his own, who wanders through a strange darkness. I see friends who were important to me. People who have come and gone. Jobs and tasks that I enjoyed. Adventures, possible just for a few people to experience them. Amazing dancing nights are still deeply anchored in my heart. I just have to close my eyes, think about it, and I already hear the music and smell the air of the music clubs. All the wonderful food with so many incredible people. Numerous flashing pairs of eyes, resounding laughter, the feeling of the hands in my hand, the smell when the nose touches a cheek. The heartbeat of giant love and infinite happiness. How I am standing in the kitchen with the six people I loved so much and still love. Waking up in the morning, nasal tip at nasal tip and starting the day with a smile. To run through unknown cities and to absorb the sounds of life in the woods. I feel the other heartbeat on my chest and I am looking into disbelieving eyes. To be aroused by sunrays in the face and thinking: Woooow - is that cool. I feel the dogs sniffed over my face. The first glance into the each other eyes, the rays, the exploding and the grin, which spreads over the whole body, reaching the hand with a "Come", run, somewhere….. Everything there and yet so far away. I want to have it all back and I would like to return my mystified carelessness. But I know it's gone. Only a feeling, transfigured, barely tangible.
50 years full of Wow-moments that are spiked with quite a lot of life gifts and I know very well that I must be gratefully grateful for all that. I am and humility has gained a very different and deeper meaning in the past months. No, do not even think in a dream about the fact that I'm on my knees, screaming thank you and that I will practicing modesty. Nope - I am not, I was not and I will not be like this. Humility of the life does not have to be quiet. Because the tears that it pushes me in the face arn´t coming silent too. The howling, because I am so glad to get a chance, to get another .... . Once again having "luck" and being pushed with a kick in the ass into the world full of everything I ever wanted. For that I will pay with everything I have, which I have built myself, I had to pay for it and I payed the highest price you can imagine. I've got a great deal in life, but it was not given to me. Not a single time. Everything had its price. I was always willing to pay. I always look back in the last few days and often ask myself: Was it worth it? Mostly yes, but not always. Could I know this before? No. But can you imagine how it feels to open a door in the dark hallway and put your nose in a strange room with a childish curiosity, in which you can see nothing but fog and glimmer and you think: What is it? So check it out, even if it flashes and thunders. Like this the past 50 years have felt to me. That's me - addicted to life, curious about the world, dependent on people who touch my heart, intoxicated with every surprise I am given. And for that I am grateful, very much. Everything else would be inconceivable to me. Everything else is not me. I do not want to be anything else - despite everything.
In the past months, especially since March, my existence has been taking place in my four walls. Paralyzed on the couch. An inanimate shell that mechanically plowed through the day. No garden, no bars, no restaurant, no clubs, rare friends, no men, nothing new, no vacation, never free, tears, pain, loneliness, only me and the fear. No fear of what may come, but the fear of the pain as it has drilled through every atom of Mario and brought all vibration to a standstill and brought the "working life" almost to a standstill. The pain and the fear, they still work but both have an enemy in me. A small single atom that remained in shock. My "defiance" that had stopped swinging, holding his breath, and at some point began to quiver and froze. After a while it began to quiver, and then it trembled with anger, and one day, every other still-lying atom began to thunder in the near vicinity, until they began to rage with anger, and the wave grew bigger and wider. A monster wave that spills over the seas. So it races and pushes all this dirt in front of it, in search of a stone wall in the sea, where it can smash this rubbish.
This is it? No, it is not – not at all. I will reset the clock to zero and the next door in the dark hall I have already opened and there sparkles it quite tremendously. I have only one foot in the door but the heartbeat of the excitement twitches already tremendously and the curious grin is already wide. I have decided that I have now exactly half of my life behind. Great 50 years and the big black blob at the end, will not be a point because I'll turn it into a double point. Now it's going on and all I've experienced in the past is my starting capital into the next five decades, especially in the next 15 years. 180 months, 5478 days in which I only want to be one thing: the angry little atom, one with a curious laughter and touching one after the other to vibrate them on the Footpath of Life. What I can do, everyone can do - you too. There is simply no reason why you should not want that. And if there is one, I will not accept it and prove the opposite to you. Not for nothing is it called “Footpath of Life”.
Thanks to all who have made a colorful life out of my existence in the past 50 years. Thank you, all the people who have conceded to me in the past months and have shown who makes a life, a difference and who does not. And thanks to the numerous black blots. Without you “dull-witted fuckers” any other color would not shine that bright. I thank you life, especially for what is coming now and that you have pressed this special door handle into my hand. And with all heart, humility, and in the decisive places with speechlessness, because there are simply no words for it. If I could, I would embrace you, kiss you and never let you go and protect you all the time we will spent together (which I do in a certain sense). Now I have to delete a few things, in life, on the phone, on the PC. The last meters in the final minutes of five decades. In the next 50 years I would be very happy and touched if you accompany me and parts of my life, and becoming a part of Footpath of Life.
Come with me, let me infect you with the little anger-defy virus that creates life - nothing more I wish for my next 50 birthdays.
In any case, crazy enough to devote my life to a task that has become much more important to me than my home, my scooter and my garden. It is my life task, because a suicide kills us all in one way or another.
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